<<<TITLE Pros or Cons? Excessive Internal Friction from Being Too Sensitive... TITLE

TEXTMARKDOWN: <<<TEXTMARKDOWN I think I haven’t updated my diary for a long time, probably around three months. Thinking back, I indeed became a bit lazy. It also gives me an excuse and reason: in these three months there was about one and a half months spent on filing with ICP, my ID card had a small issue. And another one and a half months I was really unskilled; I couldn’t deploy the Shiro-themed website. Because my Alibaba Cloud account had expired, I switched to Tencent Cloud, but deployment stubbornly failed; a few days ago I sought help from a senior to finally deploy it successfully, otherwise it might still be showing a 404 status now.

Regarding the title of this comeback article, I think I have a flaw: my personality. It may be relatively friendly toward others, but not so friendly to my own inner self. I am overly mentally fatigued and sensitive; I perceive others’ emotional changes very accurately, perhaps due to my growing up environment, fearing that something might happen, fearing unpleasantness. When confronted with an unpleasant atmosphere, I automatically feel tense and try to comfort others. Yet this kind of temperament is often the most exhausting for me.

For example, I’ve been working at my current company for nearly a year. I really like the atmosphere here and the colleagues; they are all very friendly. A senior coworker would really help you solve some problems; we’ll make coffee together, they’ll buy snacks to share. Colleagues are friendly to me, and I’d really like to repay them a bit, for instance by buying some snacks to share with everyone. But in reality, sharing makes me internally self-torment. It’s not that I’m unwilling to share, but I have a bit of social anxiety and awkwardness. The snacks are bought at home; before leaving in the morning I’ll think for 10 minutes whether to bring them, if I bring them it’s awkward to divide, if I don’t bring them I feel the colleagues are very kind to me and I want to thank them and share with them. After much struggle I finally decide to bring them. But before sharing, I’ll wrestle for a long time again about whether to share at all; I’ve brought them, how should I share them, should I stand up and say something? Where should I start sharing, what should I say? If others reject me, wouldn’t that be very awkward… A cascade of follow-up questions floods my mind. I remember one sharing session nearly took me half an hour of mental preparation.

I don’t know what this problem is, why I’m so awkward and nagging, which makes me feel unnatural and uncomfortable. In the early days of my job, I made a mistake that led to a client penalty of 300 USD, about 2100 RMB. The salesperson knew I was new and took it on himself; actually I didn’t want others to pay for my mistakes, and I told my supervisor I was willing to take responsibility. But that month was an internship month, and I hadn’t worked many days; the salary was around 1700. The supervisor said it’s fine, the company will cover it for you; your pay isn’t enough to cover the penalty anyway. In the end, the salesperson bore the cost; I blamed myself and felt very guilty. The supervisor comforted me: salespeople have ways to skate by—keep the client, and each extra deal can make up for it. But I don’t buy that; the cost happened, and it’s still a loss regardless of perspective.

And the salesman's reaction also made me very uncomfortable. He proactively took on the burden and comforted me as a newcomer. This made me even more guilty; I wanted to invite him to eat or drink at a café like Starbucks. Given my described temperament, this internal struggle lasted a long time. I would be willing to spend money, but I don’t know how to bring it up, and I’m afraid of being rejected… This issue is a thorn in my side; nearly a year has passed and I haven’t spoken up. Every time I see the salesman, I feel guilty; the best I can do is expedite all of his work, handling every one of his clients quickly and providing good service to each of them.

I hate my temperament, but I also think it has advantages; nothing is absolute. I’m very good at sensing others’ emotions; perhaps I’m better suited for roles that involve more client contact. This year I have a small wish to try a role switch to do more business development, to engage with more people, and to attempt to overcome this sensitivity, to speak and interact more confidently. Introversion and extroversion are both personalities, each with their own advantages; it’s not that introversion is bad—introverts can do backend work too, perhaps just not ideal for communication, whereas extroverts suit front-end work. Complementary strengths. Understanding my own emotions and thoughts clearly is now the most important thing for me.

Additionally, I feel energy is finite; spending so much energy on internal friction means I’ll lose something elsewhere. Perhaps I should refine my psychological logic: avoid meaningless socializing; by not engaging in these interactions there will be no internal friction, allowing more energy to go toward greater output. For example, I know that distributing snacks causes me painful internal friction and anxiety, so I should simply avoid doing it. When I sense anxiety might arise, I should judge whether it’s necessary and whether I should proceed; I think this is really important…

Wishing you all well! I’ve been typing for a long time; here’s a photo I recently took at a subway station!