Pros or Cons? The Excessive Internal Turmoil of Being Too Sensitive

I feel like I haven't updated my diary in a long time—about three months now. Looking back, I have to admit I was a bit lazy. I can also come up with a few excuses: in these three months, about a month and a half were spent on filing, and there was an issue with my ID card. And for another month and a half I really struggled: I couldn't deploy the Shiro-themed website because Alibaba Cloud expired; I switched to Tencent Cloud, but deployment was still a fail; a few days ago I got help from a senior to deploy it successfully, otherwise it might still be showing a 404 status.

Returning to the focus of this article, I think I have a flaw: my personality; it may seem friendly to others, but it isn't very friendly to my own heart. I am overly mentally fatigued and sensitive; I notice others' mood changes very accurately, perhaps due to my upbringing; I fear that something will happen, fear unpleasant outcomes; when facing unpleasant atmospheres I automatically feel tense and try to soothe others. But often this kind of temperament wears me out the most.

For example, I've been at my current company for almost a year now; I really like the atmosphere here and the colleagues; they are all very friendly. The female colleagues are really helpful; they actually help you solve some problems. We make coffee together; they buy snacks to share. The colleagues are friendly toward me, and I really want to repay them with something, such as buying some snacks to share with everyone. But in reality, sharing like this causes a lot of inner turmoil for me. It's not that I don't want to share; I have a bit of social anxiety and awkwardness. I buy snacks to bring home; before leaving in the morning I think for about ten minutes whether to bring them; if I bring them I feel awkward about sharing; if I don't bring them I feel like my colleagues are very nice and I should thank them and share with them. After a long struggle I finally choose to bring them. Yet before sharing, I wrestle for a long time again: whether to share; I did bring them, but how should I divide them; should I stand up and say something? Where should I start sharing, what should I say? What if others reject me—wouldn't that be embarrassing... A series of follow-up questions fills my mind. I remember one time sharing almost took me half an hour of mental preparation.

I don't know what this problem is either—why I'm so hesitant and fussy, making me feel unnatural and uncomfortable. Early in my tenure, I made a mistake that caused a client penalty of 300 USD, about 2,100 RMB. The salesperson knew I was new and proactively took it on. Actually I didn't want others to pay for my mistake; I told my supervisor I was willing to take responsibility, but that month was an internship month, and I hadn't worked many days; my salary was around 1,700. The supervisor said it's okay, the company would cover it; your salary isn't enough to cover the penalty anyway. In the end the salesperson bore it; I felt very guilty. The supervisor comforted me: the salesperson can find kickbacks somewhere, keeping the client saves money; each order yields more money and it will come back. But I don't think that way; the cost did occur, and anyway it's a loss for him.

And the salesman's reaction made me feel bad; he proactively took it on and comforted me as a newcomer. This made me even guiltier; I wanted to treat him to a meal or a drink at Starbucks, etc. Because of my personality, this inner struggle has lasted a long time; I'm really willing to spend money, but I don't know how to bring it up; I'm afraid of being rejected... This issue is a thorn; it's been almost a year and I haven't expressed it. Every time I see the salesman I feel guilty; the best I can do is to expedite his work; I handle all his clients' needs quickly and serve every client of his well.

I dislike my personality, but I also think it has strengths; nothing is absolute. I am very good at reading other people's emotions; perhaps I'm better suited for roles that involve more client contact. This year I have a small wish: to try switching to a job in sales, to interact with more people, and to try to overcome this sensitivity and speak and engage openly. Introversion and extroversion are both personality traits with their own merits; you can't say introversion is bad; introverts can do backend work well, though maybe not for communication, while extroverts are suited for front-end work; complementary strengths. Being clear about my emotions and thoughts is the most important thing for me now.

Also, I think energy is finite; spending so much on internal strife means I lose something elsewhere. Perhaps I should refine my mental logic: avoid meaningless socializing to prevent inner turmoil; this will allow me to devote more energy to higher output. Just like I know that sharing snacks will cause me pain, inner turmoil, and anxiety, so I might as well not do it. When I think anxiety might occur, make a judgment about whether it's necessary; should I continue? I really think this is important...

Wishing everyone well! It's been a long time writing; here's a photo I recently took of a subway station!